Warcraft III Abridged
by Lord22
Summary: Dark times are coming upon the lands of Azeroth. The forces of good aren't particularly competent, and the less said about Archimonde the better. At the rate things are going downhill it will be a wonder if this even gets made into an animation. An abridged series in fanfic form.
1. Episode 1

**Warcraft III Abridged:**

Thrall awoke from a troubling dream, and walked out into the night. Beneath him the orc camp slumbered soundly, as night creatures went too and fro. A deer walked through the trees. 'Well that was odd,' said Thrall.

At that moment a raven landed and transformed into a man. 'Humanity is in peril! The tides of darkness have come again, and the whole world is poised upon the brink of- Oh I'm sorry thats the wrong script! I need you to forget you heard that.'

'Okay.' said Thrall.

'Ahem,' said the Prophet straightening himself out. 'the sands of time have run out, son of Durotan.'

'Whose Durotar?' asked Thrall.

'Durotar, and he's your Father, obviously.' said the Prophet.

'Well yes, obviously,' said Thrall 'but the commander doesn't know that, so I think it only fair if you explain it to him.'

The Prophet looked around. '…Who are you speaking about again?'

'The commander is my friend, who provides me and my forces orders to gain victory in battle.' said Thrall 'He is an omnipresent entity who can see the length and breadth of the land, and follows my orders without question. Isn't that right commander?'

'…Your imaginary friend aside,' said the Prophet 'I need you to steal some ships from the Alliance and travel west to a continent you didn't even know existed until I told you about it. I also need you to do this in about… well in the next five days would be good. Ten tops. So yeah, you won't have any time to pack supplies, meaning that you would probably all starve to death in any rational world.'

'Okay,' said Thrall.

'…Really, thats it?' asked the Prophet.

'Well I have absolutely no idea who you are or what your agenda is.' said Thrall 'But I trust you completely. I'll gather the Horde and go over the sea to the west in a manner in no way resembling Lord of the Rings. Or the chronicles of Prydynn, but nobody has read those books in the warcraft fanbase anyway.'

'Oh, well this has been quite productive.' said the Prophet 'Anyway I need to go meet the King of the humans. Bye.' Then he became a bird and flew away.

'What a nice guy.' said Thrall.

A swift sunrise rose over the Alterac highlands as a lone raven flew across the barren lands, into greener pastures and finally into the Capital City of Lordaeron. It flew over a hill of ants who were busily working to bring food to their queen and passed into a throne room, where King Terenas was listening to his councilors.

'The horde is on the move!'

'Plagues have gripped the northlands!'

'Death and famine beset the land! A plague of locusts now descends upon us!'

King Terenas was really, really bored. The Kirin Tor were droning on about some vaguely defined plague which would surely prove to be of no threat whatsoever. Oh, and the scattered remnants of the Orcs were on the move, but there really wasn't all that much he could do about it.

Then a bird flew into his throne room. Was it a talking bird like in Narnia? If it was that would be the awesomest thing ever. He was pretty sure there weren't any talking ravens in the Narnia chronicles. Unless, had there been one in a Horse and his Boy?

Hang on, Terenas was pretty sure the Kirin Tor wanted to institute quarantine on his Kingdom. He had to put a stop to this potentially good idea at once. 'I will not institute quarantine without proof of your claims, Ambassador. The people of Lordaeron have suffered enough, without becoming prisoners in their own lands.' There, that way any action taking by the Alliance would be too late to save anything.

Then the bird began to glow! It was a talking bird wizard! That was awesome!

Oh, wait. It was just a human in disguise. What moron had made the doors to his throne room open into the city where anyone with a grevience could come in with a sword and commit regicide anyway? It wasn't good security.

'Yet, prisoners they are good King.' said the Prophet.

'Give me one good reason not to have you beheaded for snarking at me.' stated the King bluntly.

'Humanity is in peril!' cried the Prophet, heedless of his own very real peril. 'The tides of darkness have come again, and the whole world is poised upon the brink of war! The only hope for humanity is a mass exodus from a fertile land of rivers and forests to a nightmarish dusty barren place, where countless thousands would surely die of thirst and starvation without adequate supplies.'

'Hang on,' said the King 'you want us to bring over the entire population of Lordaeron, on leaky transports, all the way over to an entirely unknown land?'

'Yes.' said the Prophet.

'Bit of a tall order don't you think?' asked Terenas 'Actually its not just tall, its freaking impossible.'

'No its not.' replied the Prophet obstinately.

'Allow me to explain.' said King Terenas 'You see I could not fit my entire army onto the ships I currently have in the Alliance Navy, which are not all mine to command. My army is less than 6% of the population of Lordaeron. Maybe 12% if you count the veterans now retired. This means that for me to transport the entire population of my Kingdom to another continent I would have to build more ships than currently exist in the entire world.'

'Oh.' said the Prophet.

'Not to mention supply issues.' continued King Terenas, on a roll now. 'Sending a small colonization is one thing, but this is not ancient Athens. I can't just tell the country to pack up and move to another continent because an enemy army is on the way. Especially since said enemy army is by no means apparent.

Besides, even if I could do as you suggest, you haven't given me any indication as to why I should trust the words of a rambling prophet. This is my homeland, logically we have the home field advantage here with many strongholds and loyal retainers, not to mention food.

Perhaps you should be more specific?'

'More specific?' asked the Prophet. 'How?'

'Well I don't know, tell me that my son is going to go mad from fighting an undead creating plague, chase a demon to northrend, then come back and murder me. Something like that, you know.' Terenas said, annoyed that he had to instruct the Prophet on his own trade. 'That way when I don't listen to you anyway it will have a tinge of dramatic irony.'

'Actually you got it right.' said the Prophet 'What you just said is exactly what is going to happen.'

There was a long, long silence. 'Jesus Christ,' snapped Terenas 'this hack can't even come up with his own doomsday prophecies! He has to steal mine! Get out of my throne room!'

'I failed humanity once before,' said the Prophet gravely. 'I shall not do so-'

'Seize him.' snapped King Terenas.

'Oh god the pain! My ribs! My skull! No, don't break my kneecaps, I need those for walking-AHHHH!' screamed the Prophet as he was tackled by a force of burly footmen who began beating the everloving crap out of him with truncheons. King Terenas sat back in his throne, smiling to himself.

'Its good to be King.'

…

Prince Arthas arrived in Uther's encampment, tall, blonde haired and bearing a simple maul over one shoulder. Lord Uther, an imposing and brown bearded man in heavy armor, greeted him kindly. 'Prince Arthas, the men and I are honored by your presence!'

This greeting seemed to disturb Arthas, who halted to look at him in concern. 'Uther, are you feeling okay? You usually are not so formal.'

'Well lad, I've just been reading up on how to suck up to- I mean speak respectfully to royalty.' said Uther, motioning with a book. 'In retrospect the author isn't very well qualified.' He tossed the book into the fire. 'So, how is your Father?'

'Well he's set out a warrant for the arrest of the Prophet which came by recently.' said Arthas 'Said something about plagiarism.'

'We exist in a world threatened by creatures ripped straight out of Tolkien, and he's complaining about prophets?' asked Uther wryly.

'I never said it was logical.' said Arthas 'Anyway, here's where we stand. Our scouts, that is to say, me, have reported in. It appears there is an Orc encampment hidden somewhere over the next ridge.'

'Just as planned.' said Uther.

Arthas blinked. 'You want to clarify that statement, Lightbringer?'

'I meant to say 'as I suspected.' Uther added quickly.

'…Be that as it may, the Orcs are planning to move against the nearby village of Strahnbrad.' continued Arthas 'Despite being a fortified settlement, the locals embrace a policy of total pacifism, and believe that burning all the weapons will stop wars. Consequently the village is completely defenseless.'

'Curse you Relena Peacecraft, does your influence know no bounds!' snapped Uther while making a fist. 'Listen, I'm going to move against the Orc camp at once. Can you handle Strahnbrad's defense on your own?'

'Of course Uther, don't worry about me.' said Arthas.

'Good, meet me at the Orc camp after you've saved the village.' said Uther 'Oh and by the way, I'm taking your entire army.'

'What?!' Said Arthas 'Now hold on a second-'

'Can't hear you!' Called Uther as he rushed off, the entire army following him. 'Tell me how the whole the 'saving the village' thing works out.'

Pretty soon everyone except Arthas had left the clearing, and he was left alone to continue the mission. 'I just got ditched by my entire army, didn't I?' asked Arthas with a sigh. 'I hope this doesn't become a trend.'

Thus he began his journey down the road, along the way, and then right off the road into the midsts of a pleasant little village that most certainly wasn't Strahnbrad. He travelled into the village, and was suddenly approached by a woman.

'Please, you have to help!' she said 'A group of Gnolls kidnapped my little Timmy and took him to their hideout in the forest! Could you find him and bring him home please!'

'Of course!' Said Arthas 'Rest assured, ma'am, your son will not be devoured on my watch.'

'Well, actually there's no risk of that.' said the woman, sounding somewhat embarrassed. 'You see its more like I didn't want to follow the courts verdict on the custody battle, and kind of stole him away from his Father. So they stole him back. So I need you to murder his Father, and his Fathers friends so that custody will fall to me. No one will question you doing it, since your a Prince and they are Gnolls.'

Arthas stared in horror. Mentally he felt his sanity wavering a bit. 'I… I don't… I'm just going to keep walking now.'

And he swiftly retreated away from them. 'Wait!' Cried the Woman 'I'll sleep with you! I'll sleep with anyone really, or anything! Thats why I have so many children!'

Needless to say, Arthas left the village behind with all due haste and continued on his journey, walking along until he saw in a clearing a man standing in the open. He approached, curious.

'Save us.' said the man in a complete monotone.

'You really aren't putting much work into this whole 'innocent in distress thing, are you?' asked Arthas in deadpan as he approached.

'Well it worked didn't it?' replied the man.

Suddenly a group of level one creeps rushed out of the woods, with pathetic stats and horrible HP. Seriously, they positively screamed 'starter villains'.

'Good morning gentlemen,' Said Arthas 'I am Prince Arthas, Paladin of the Silver Hand, protege of Uther Lightbringer and one of the most talented swordsmen in the land. Would you care to state your business?'

'We're common footpads! Give us all your money!' they called.

'Hang on,' Said Arthas 'I thought this was Warcraft III abridged, not Oblivion Abridged.'

'No, no, this is completely different.' they said.

'How?' Asked Arthas.

'Well in Oblivion common footpads powers and equipment are scaled with the protagonists so that they are a legitimate threat no matter how high you climb. Thereby making the process of leveling up entirely useless. In contrast, in Warcraft III, we level 1 bandits are pretty much fodder for even the weakest of infantry units. I mean if we were enforcers we might have stood a chance, but I don't think even the Night Elves would break a sweat wiping us out, much less the Alliance, and the less said about Orc units the better.

So we're pretty much screwed.'

'And your still going to attack me?' surmised Arthas in bemusement.

'We bandits make a virtue of suicidal overconfidence.' they explained. 'Slaughter them all!'

Thus the battle was joined and Arthas wiped the floor with them so quickly, I'm not even sure why I bothered recording this situation. Really, most people completely miss this section on their first play through anyway, and you can reach Level 2 without it regardless.

'What a senseless waste of human life.' reflected Arthas sadly.

A few moments later, Arthas was continuing on his road when he came across a grim scene. A group of Bandits were surrounding a merchant and his life, and the merchant turned to Arthas. 'Help! Bandits are stealing our belongings!'

Before Arthas could reach them, however, the Bandits pulled away and fled. 'Heh, we'll take their coin just like everyone else's.' said their Leader.

Arthas came up to the man, who turned to him. 'Those bandits stole my ledger. Without it, I will lose my entire farm. Please, retrieve it from their camp. It would mean so much to us.'

'Okay time out.' Said Arthas 'I'm on a mission to save the entire village of Strahnbrad from rampaging Orcs, meaning that dozens, nay hundreds of lives may be in the balance. This mission is incredibly time sensitive too.'

'Whats your point?' asked the Merchant, obviously not understanding.

'Well, don't you think its a little selfish to expect me to set aside the fate of Strahnbrad just to retrieve your personal property?' asked Arthas gently.

'Wow,' said the man 'your right. It is kind of selfish. I think I'm going to completely rethink my life. This has truly been a valuable experience for me.'

'Really?' asked Arthas hopefully.

'Of course not!' snapped the man. 'Selfish?! Me?! As if my personal property was not worth more than the fate of a few hundred poor people! Away with you begger!' And then he marched off imperiously.

Arthas paused as he took in what had just happened. 'You know, I am sort of the Prince of Lordaeron here. Can I please get a little respect?'

There was no reply.

He sighed. 'Apparently not, well I'd better get this over with.'

Meanwhile, Warchief Thrall was waiting for the arrival of the rest of the Horde. 'Hmm,' he said 'I wonder where Grom is? He and the Warsong Clan were supposed to have been here by now. I sure hope he hasn't embraced demon worship again.'

Meanwhile, in a clearing not far from the orcs base, Grom Hellscream stood over the corpses of dozens of mutilated innocents. Bodies had been impaled on stakes, and skulls set on pikes. The orc himself was soaked in blood, and held an axe stained with gore aloft.

'Soon Lord Mannaroth will be summoned and this wretched world will burn!' Hellscream roared to the heavens, as he stood within a pentacle. 'BURN! BURN I SAY!'

'Don't worry Warchief,' said a warrior 'Grom would never betray us like that.'

'Yeah,' said Thrall 'I should trust him. He would never be that irresponsible.'

Far away, Grom Hellscream burst into maniacal giggling.

Arthas crossed the bridge to Strahnbrad and came round the corner to find the town in flames before him. The gates had been cast down, and a man fled towards him, pursued by Orcs. 'Save us.' the man said, in a voice of intense disinterest before being hewed down.

Then Arthas sprang into action, hacking and bashing his way through the streets. Endless droves of orcs fell to his hammer, as he hewed them down with ease. On and on he fought, until the orcs had been driven into the northern section of town. Finally he routed them, and emerged victorious.

Unfortunately many of the towns people had been taken prisoner.

'Bless you Prince Arthas,' said a woman.

'But what about the others who were taken away?' asked a child.

'I wouldn't worry about it.' said Arthas 'Uther Lightbringer was heading to attack their base long before I got here. With any luck he's already destroyed their base, and intercepted the slavers en route.'

The sound of hoofbeats then could be heard, as around the corner rode a knight clad in shining mail, and holding a lance in one hand and a sword in the other. He pulled his horse to a halt before Arthas, and looked down. 'Prince Arthas,' said a Knight 'Lord Uther needs you at the orc encampment immediately.'

'…I stand corrected,' said Arthas after a moment, slightly annoyed. 'well at least we've got the Knights of Lordaeron riding at our backs.'

'Actually,' said the Knight 'we joined the Lordaeron Military for the wearing of fancy uniforms, and the swooning girls, not so much for the killing and the dying. So if anybody needs us we'll be hiding under beds refusing to be of any assistance for the rest of the campaign.'

The Prince could tell this was going to be a long day.

…

 **Authors Note:**

Hello and welcome to the first chapter of Warcraft Abridged, a concept I once tried to make in the Warcraft III world editor, only to give up after a couple of episodes. Triggers are not easy to use. Either way, this is roughly the script I'd written out for episode one, in fanfiction form.

Enjoy! Not sure how far I'm going to take this particular concept, actually though I have a lot of great ideas. Tell me what you think.


	2. Episode 2

**Chapter Two:**

The Alliance military camp was empty. The nearby village was completely undefended, and the peasants were mining gold. A few unmanned guard towers had been erected at both entrances to the base, so that as Arthas approached Uther he had a suspicion that his sanity would be further damaged.

'Ah good timing lad!' said Uther 'Er… how did things go at Strahnbrad.'

'Uther,' said Arthas, unamused. 'where is the army?'

'Ah…' Uther paused. 'what army lad?'

'The army you stole from me for the specific purpose of defeating these orcs.' said Arthas 'The army I didn't have when I singlehandedly wiped out the orcs attacking Strahnbrad! Not that it stopped them from taking hostages mind you!'

'Ah yes, that army,' said Uther 'right. Well here is the thing, I kind of… lost some of it.'

Arthas sincerely considered not pursuing this line of inquiry any further. Surely it would only cause him more strain, and not change his situation. 'How much of it?' he asked anyway.

'All of it.' said Uther.

'What do you mean you lost all of it?!' cried Arthas in a rage.

'It wasn't my fault!' said Uther defensively, stepping back a pace. 'One minute I was getting everyone together, and the next some guy screams 'Leeroy Jenkins' and leads the whole group on a suicide charge. This is going to be a PR nightmare, I tell you.'

'Okay, okay,' said Arthas, fighting back a migraine. 'so whose left?'

'Well we have two knights,' said Uther 'I sent them to negotiate the orcs surrender.'

It was about this point that two riderless horses arrived in the base. Arthas and Uther looked to eachother. 'Well we've got two perfectly good horses!' tried Uther.

At this moment the sound of hoofbeats filled the air and a knight rode into view. Then the knight grabbed both the horses bridles and rode off with them. Arthas stared after him. 'That son of a bitch just stole our horses.' He shook his head. 'Alright, fine, I'll gather a new army, head up there, and kill everything. This should be a fairly standard mass genocide.'

'Remember Arthas, we are paladins.' said Uther in a chiding tone. 'Words like genocide cannot be a part of our vocabulary, they are bad for PR. Instead you should say that we shall gather a new army, and purge the hilltop of these unholy abominations. That sounds just and noble. Calling it genocide makes it sound like we're killing woman and children.'

'…We are.' said Arthas.

'Yes, but whats important is that it doesn't _sound_ like we are.'

'Yes, Uther,' said Arthas quickly.

'Now,' said Uther 'if you are feeling up to it, I want you to lead the attack.'

'Me?' asked Arthas. 'Why me? You're the tenth level Paladin who can bring back the dead and level entire fortresses singlehanded. All I've got is a moderate healing ability.'

'I'll remain here and ensure that none of the loathsome beasts threaten the camp.' explained Uther. 'Have fun with that.'

'You mean you will be defending the camp which is empty.' said Arthas.

'Yes.' said Uther.

'Empty because you got the entire army killed,' continued Arthas 'and then did not use your power to **_bring back the dead_** to instantly fix the situation.'

'More or less yeah,' said Uther 'anyway I'm going to be over there reading War and Peace. Tell me if the orcs attack, and I'll arrive just in time for our defenses to already be overrun.'

'…You know what,' said Arthas 'I think I'm done here.'

He made his way out of the camp, through the forests as he headed through the woods. As he walked, he eventually came around a bend and saw a dwarven forge billowing a trail of smoke as workers went about their business. Several guards stood by, bearing guns. Having no particular goal in mind other than to leave Uther to sort out his own mess, Arthas went down to meet them. To his great delight he found- 'Muradin? What are you doing here? I thought you were off exploring.'

'Good to see you lad!' said Muradin. 'And to answer your question, this fanfic does not conform itself to proper continuity.'

'…Blizzard doesn't conform itself to proper continuity.' said Arthas in deadpan.

'Which is why we do not feel bound to do so either.' said Muradin, before withdrawing a script whose title was 'Feanor Steeltoe' crossed out with a marker and replaced with 'Muradin Bronzebeard' scrawled underneath. 'Have you come to join in our hunt?!'

'Not really no,' said Arthas 'I am looking for an excuse to ditch Uther though. So what are you up to?'

'We're hunting black drakes.' said Muradin 'Its said that drakes blood can bestow fiery enchantments upon weapons! With your aid the monster won't stand a chance!'

'…Okay hold on there a minute,' said Arthas 'aren't drakes like… dragon children.'

'Yes,' said Muradin. 'what about it lad?'

'So… your plan is to murder children,' surmised Arthas 'in order to create a minor upgrade for our weapons.'

'Well actually we can upgrade the weapons right now,' said Muradin in good humor as he gestured to the forge. 'but if you do bring his heart to me, I can make you a orb of fire which adds extra damage to your weapon.'

'…Are we sure we're the good guys here?' asked Arthas.

'Oh don't worry lad, they have black scales.' said the dwarf.

'Yeah, I'm gonna pass.' said Arthas 'See, I'm a Paladin, and I'm not sure I'm allowed to knowingly associate with you guys.'

'Arthas quit being a pussy and come commit ethnic cleansing with us.' snapped Muradin.

Arthas considered that it was either that or go back to help Uther out of the mess he'd gotten himself into, and turned to Muradin. 'Oh alright, you've convinced me.'

They set out east, marching in a column of riflemen. As they came to the cave mouth, Arthas thought of something. 'So… how exactly did you learn about the Black Dragons in this region?'

They entered the cave.

'OH DEAR LIGHT!'

Corpses were everywhere, piled in great mountains, their flesh torn in places and then left to rot. Dead eyes stared at them, as mangled bones lined the floor beneath them. A group of baby dragons were busy feasting on a number of babies. Blood was everywhere.

'Still feel bad about ethnic cleansing lad?' asked Muradin in wry amusement.

'Where did all these people come from?' asked Arthas.

'They have been raiding the countryside for weeks.' said Muradin.

'Well then why didn't you say so before?'

'I figured you knew.' replied the dwarf with a shrug. 'It was in the quest flavor text, lad.'

'But shouldn't stopping mass genocide be a higher priority to you than getting dragon hearts to make cool gear?' asked Arthas.

'While I may be opposed to evil creatures, I never claimed to be on the side of the angels.' replied Muradin.

They travelled deeper into the caverns occasionally stopping to slay drakes that fired lava at them from above. The guns of the dwarves proved more than a match for the red dragons, however, and whenever one was injured Arthas healed them. Finally they came to Searinox himself, who loomed above them with terrible power.

'You dare challenge me?' he asked 'You mortals become more reckless with every generation.'

'So is there a joke here or…' began Arthas.

'Couldn't think of one.' said Searinox. 'Sorry.'

One brutal dragon slaying later, Arthas returned to camp with a spiffy new Orb of Fire. Remember kids genocide is good for you. As they came to the camp, however, they found Uther standing over the bodies of many orcs, and standing defiant against Grom Hellscream.

'Weak minded coward!' cried Grom 'The warlocks of the Warsong Clan have spoken! Soon, demons will rain from the sky, and this wretched world will burn! Also I've just finished brutally executing all the hostages.'

'Okay stop.' Everything froze. 'What is Grom Hellscream doing here?' asked Arthas.

'Obviously the author is using a composite character.' explained Muradin. 'Sometimes when a given work has too many characters, the adaptation of that work merges them together into a smaller group of character so the audience doesn't get confused.'

'…Like Beregond and Faramir in the Lord of the Rings movies.' surmised Arthas.

'Quite right lad.' said Muradin 'Obviously the author is choosing to give the position of Blackrock Blademaster to Grom Hellscream for humorous effect.'

'But that makes no sense!' said Arthas 'Thrall is going across the sea, and Grom is going with him. This is an important part of the story, and for Grom to show up here makes a mockery of the plots continuity.'

'This is a blizzard game, lad.' said Muradin 'There is no continuity.'

'Fair point.' reflected Arthas. 'Continue.'

Everything unfroze, and Uther hefted his hammer. 'Yes, I've heard these conspiracy theories before. You orcs will never learn.'

Then Uther struck him with his hammer. There was a crunching sound, and suddenly Grom was sent flying. Very, very, high. Uther walked after him, looking up. The group walked a bit further, following the flying body with their eyes before it landed with a crash on the orcish village with enough force to split an atom.

A nuclear mushroom cloud appeared on the horizon as the orcs were utterly defeated.

'…You atomized him!' said Arthas in shock. 'You just killed Grom Hellscream! How the hell is the plot going to function now?!'

'Don't worry lad,' said Uther 'this is a blizzard game that takes place after Starcraft Brood War. Death has about as much of a long term consequence as in an episode of Dragonball Z. He'll be ret conned back to life in a week. Well unless he is a legitimately cool character who everyone wants to see more of. Then he'll be unceremoniously turned evil and butchered by a fifty man raid group, before being forgotten about in favor of one of Richard A. Knaak's mary sues.

But come on, its not like Grom Hellscream is a popular character!'

'Actually he's an extremely popular character.' said Arthas 'We won't see him again.'

'…Fuck.' said Uther 'Well not matter, at least now we've clearly established why I'm in command of the Paladin order.' He gave Arthas a fatherly smile. 'You've done well lad, this was a sound victory.'

'We failed to save Strahnbrad before it got overrun, failed to rescue the hostages before they were sacrificed to the dark gods, and finally failed to maintain order in the army, resulting in the complete destruction of the entire army on your watch.' said Arthas 'How the FUCK DOES THIS CONSTITUTE A SOUND VICTORY?!'

'Have faith lad,' said Uther, the very image of benevolence. 'getting our entire army killed means that we don't have to pay them. And its not like a demonic invasion is about to take place that will obliterate everything we know and love. So whats the loss?'

'Yeah…' said Arthas 'I guess you are right.'

'Well what do we do now?' asked Muradin.

'Well we could use the money we _don't_ have to pay the soldiers to go get dead drunk.' suggested Uther.

'Lets do that.' agreed the dwarf.

 **Authors Note:**

Well thats it for chapter two. Hope you enjoyed it. I didn't work nearly as hard on this as I did on the first chapter. Enjoy, and please review.


	3. Episode 3

**Episode Three: Who shot Time the Baker**

In the beautiful gardens of the Kirin Tor, Archmage Antonidas was harassed by a man in a really cool cape. He was not at all amusing to listen to. Plus he was out of line. Antonidas had better things to do, like eat pizza, and figure out the truth behind the tragic death of Tim the Baker.

'You must be wiser than the King!' cried the Prophet 'The end is nigh!'

'Listen pal,' said Antonidas 'I'm sure you've got some kind of ultra important prophecy upon which the whole world rests on you delivering. But you're going to have to get in line and make an appointment like everyone else.' He then motioned to a line of doom sayers, prophets, and hysterical women being hunted by robots from the future.

'The machines are coming!' cried a blonde woman 'The machines are coming!'

The Prophet stared. '…Right, I'll go do that then.'

Then he walked off without another word and got in the back of a very long line.

Antonidas sighed. 'You can show yourself now Jaina. He's gone.'

'I'm sorry for eavesdropping master, but the pizza you ordered is here.' said Jaina, bringing out a thin white and red box. She was a young, pretty women with blonde hair who was clad in a tank top and baggy white pants which bared her midriff and drew attention to her rather significant curves.

'Does it have olives?' Inquired Antonidas

'Yes.' said Jaina, opening it to reveal olives.

'Excellent! Oh by the way I need you to investigate the plague.' said Antonidas. 'Pack your things. You have five minutes to vacate the city before I release the hellhounds.'

Jaina blinked. 'This is a bit short notice don't you think. I mean I haven't even gotten any pizza-'

'WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!' roared Antonidas as he called a giant water elemental to his side.

'Yes master, I'm going!' squeaked Jaina as she fled.

Antonidas smiled to himself at a plan well planned. 'Perfect, now I don't have to share the pizza.'

An elven mage appeared. 'Archmage Antonidas, King Terenas is on the line. He wants his share of the pizza.'

'Curses, foiled again.' said Antonidas, shaking his fist.

* * *

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Prince Arthas and his men waited along the Kings road. Birds were singing, flowers were blooming and ogres were waylaying random travelers with brutal efficiency. And boy was it boring. Eventually Captain Falric approached his friend and master in concern. 'Prince Arthas, we've been waiting here for hours. Are you sure this friend of yours is coming?'

'I'm sure,' said Arthas in despair. 'Jaina usually runs a little late.'

At that moment, who should appear around the corner, but Jaina Proudmoore. And she was being pursued by ogres. Halting and turning on one foot. Jaina turned and raised a staff to summon a water elemental, and cast firebolts upon her assailants.

'We must help her!' cried Falric.

'Stay your blade, Captain.' said Arthas with ease. 'Jaina can take care of herself.'

They watched the fight progress. The sound of clubs hitting water was audible.

'…She looks like she's struggling, sir.' said Falric.

'She's fine! Trust me.' said Arthas.

The fight continued. The water elemental was destroyed.

'Milord, I really think we should get involved-' began Falric.

'Look Falric, Jaina is one of the most powerful sorceresses in the land.' said Arthas 'She isn't going to lose to a bunch of random-'

'AHH! My arm!' screamed Jaina as she was bashed with a club.

Arthas sighed and closed his eyes. '…Oh man, Antonidas is gonna be pissed.'

One ethnic cleansing quest later, Arthas, Jaina and his men stood in a circle reunited at the crossroads. Jaina was looking at Arthas with stars in her eyes.

'You know your lucky I know healing magic.' said Arthas.

'Oh yes,' said Jaina 'very lucky.'

There was silence as Jaina continued to stare lovestruck at Arthas. After a moment Captain Falric coughed meaningfully.

'Well I guess we should get underway.' said Arthas.

'Great,' said Marwynn 'where are we going?'

'Our sources believe that the plague originated in the region north of here.' said Jaina 'We should check out the villages along the Kings road.'

'What exactly are our sources?' asked Arthas.

* * *

'Well…' began Jaina

The sun shone down on the land, laughing merrily with its mouth wide open and its eyes bright. Cartoony flowers with faces sang back and forth, as the trees swayed back and forth. The colors around were sickeningly bright, and the air was fresh and cool. Amidst this wonderfully terrifying scene that existed only in Jaina's warped mind, Jaina Proudmoore skipped along the kings road with a spring in her step.

'La, la, la, la, la!' sang Jaina.

'Excuse me,' said a voice.

Jaina stopped and looked up to see a white bearded man in an antlered skull mask holding a book of unholy magic and standing over the corpses of several people who looked to be ritually sacrificed. In his hand was a bloody knife. 'Yes, how may I help you on this wonderful day!'

'Um…' the man paused 'my name is Kel'thuzad. Are you investigating the plague? Because you should totally tell Prince Arthas to do that.'

'Why yes!' said Jaina with a smile 'Yes I am! How ever did you know!'

'Oh lucky guess,' said Kel'thuzad modestly. 'so anyway I think you should look in the region north of here, along the Kings road. Also if Arthas Menethil has a crisis of faith, be sure to abandon him in his hour of need.'

'I'll keep it in mind,' said Jaina 'hey thanks Kelly, you've been a big help! No hard feelings about that whole getting you exiled from the Kirin Tor thing!'

'Oh of course not.' said Kel'thuzad, smiling in a manner which more like a grimace.

Thus Jaina made her way onwards, skipping the whole way.

* * *

'And then I got attacked by ogres while you watched.' said Jaina, smile never dimming. There was a long pause as everyone stared at Jaina. Arthas sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

'Oh my god,' said the Prince 'do we have any _other_ sources?'

'Yeah,' said Falric 'I think maybe we should have a higher standard for intelligence work than trusting the word of some random guy who was caught rezzing zombie rats.'

'Oh, but he seemed so terribly trustworthy.' said Jaina, voice without understanding. 'Why wouldn't you trust such a splendid fellow?'

'Because he was standing over the corpses of sacrificial victims.' said Falric. 'With a bloody knife.'

'We really shouldn't make hasty assumptions about people.' said Jaina.

'You just said he was wearing a skull on his head!' said Marwynn.

'You know what,' said Arthas 'I… I don't even care anymore. There is no reasoning with her when she gets like this. Lets just go.'

They made their way along the road, and as they did Jaina hummed to herself merrily. Soon they began to pass by various villages, as people came out to see them pass. Arthas could not help but notice that women in Azeroth universally wore revealing and absurdly low cut clothes. This was somewhat worrying, even if it did provide a nice view.

'Look its Prince Arthas!' said a women.

'Look its a bandit attack!' said another with equal enthusiasm.

'Slaughter them all!' cried a bandit.

Thus began a horrific massacre. Half a dozen villagers were killed before Arthas and his men rushed to the rescue, hacking down the bandits with ruthless efficiency. At the same time Jaina summoned a water elemental and cast firebolts into their ranks. After the bandits were slaughtered a women they had saved approached with a cheery smile.

'Oh thanks so much, I have a reward for you.' she said with a grateful smile, before handing him a potion of greater healing.

'Okay those guys killed like, six of your friends.' said Arthas 'You are taking this way too well.'

'Don't worry Arthas, their entire reason for existence is to die like animals.' said Jaina with a bright smile.

'What?' said Arthas.

'Yeah,' said Jaina 'their ordinary villagers in a game called warcraft. If nothing bad was going to happen to them they wouldn't be on the map. You could slaughter every single one of them and nobody would even acknowledge that you did it. Heck, I killed like three of them on my way here just to watch them burn.'

'So thats where Jim, Bill, and Joseph went.' said the women, smile unfading.

Arthas felt his sanity take a blow, but he shrugged. 'I… I'm just going to pretend this never happened and keep on walking.'

They marched onwards as the villagers waved goodbye. A little further on they found a broken bridge with many villagers standing by it. One of them, played by Brad Pitt looked up. 'Milord, someone has destroyed the bridge to the far side of the river. There is another way to cross, but… it is not as safe as it used to be.'

'Wait a minute,' said Arthas 'Achilles? What the hell are you doing in Azeroth?'

'I used to be going on a roaring rampage of revenge, but then I took an arrow to the ankle.' said Achilles with a shrug.

'So you decided to retire to Azeroth?' asked Arthas.

'Hey, I'm the greatest warrior of the greeks.' said Achilles 'I never claimed to be smart.'

'Fair point.' said Arthas 'Okay lets move on.'

Heading west they found their way to the river and as they were about to wade in a man approached them. 'Milord, there is an ancient fountain shrine nearby. Legends say that its holy waters can restore health and heal terrible wounds.'

'My god your right,' said Jaina 'we can set it up as a tourist attraction!'

'Jaina shouldn't we make it freely available to all that live?' suggested Arthas. 'It is kind of a holy sight.'

'Master Antonidas has always instructed me that we should take advantage of the economic opportunities provided by miracles.' said Jaina.

'Sir,' said Falric 'there are a lot of Murlocs in our way.'

'Good point,' said Jaina 'we'll slaughter them all! Whee!'

Thus it was that the brave heroic adventurers descended upon a community of murlocs and killed every man women and child. Because they are heroes and this is what heroes do. They then pressed on to murder a bunch of bandits. And there was much rejoicing.

Eventually they reached the other side of the river and made their way onto the other side of the shore. Here they found a force of footmen facing many skeletal archers. 'Lock your shields and defend yourselves, their arrows will only have thirty percent effectiveness!' cried the Captain.

'True,' said another footman as they complied. 'but have you seen our stats? Their complete rubbish.'

'Oh there you go bringing stats into it again!' snapped a footman as they engaged the skeletons and hacked them down.

'Look I'm only saying the truth, as soon as the players get knights we're all going to be killed off to make population room for heavier units.'

'Hang on, we'll be really good against night elves.' said another. 'Almost all their units are ranged.'

'Yes, but we never fight night elves in this campaign.' said the complaining. 'So it won't really matter.'

'Can we please focus on the life or death battle for Lordaeron?' asked one.

'It looks like its already over.'

Sure enough Arthas Menethil stood victorious over the corpses of an entire army. The mountain of bones he stood upon was both morbid and triumphant.

'Wow!' said Marwynn 'What an awesome and memorable action sequence!'

'I know,' said Falric 'and since it was so totally memorable there is absolutely no need for us to describe it!'

'It… wasn't that memorable.' said Arthas.

'Yes,' said Falric 'but we're trying to taunt the people who weren't paying attention.'

'Lets just keep moving, okay.' said Arthas.

'Uh… what about our line?' asked the Footman.

'…Fine,' said Arthas 'what were those creatures sergeant?'

'Undead milord,' said the footman. 'this entire village has gone mad. We did our best to defend the villagers but-'

'We'll get to the bottom of this.' said Arthas before they walked off.

The Footman followed behind them. 'But I wasn't finished!' said the Footman 'I have information that is vitally important to the continued survival of Lordaeron! You must hear it!'

'Its as if the land around that granary is… dying.' said Jaina, completely ignoring him.

'Yes, it is!' said the Footman. 'And I know why and whose behind it!'

'Could the grain itself be plagued.' suggested Arthas.

'Of course its plagued!' said the Footman 'The plague is not merely intended to kill the people of Lordaeron-'

'Lets hope not.' said Jaina 'Those crates bear the seal of Anderhol, the regional distribution center of the northern burrows. If this grain can spread the plague, there's no telling how many villagers might be effected.'

'If you would let me finish my sentence I'm trying to explain the plot!' cried the Footman. 'The grain is-' However whatever he was going to say was cut off when everyone started hacking at the granary with their swords. After a heavy bit of hacking it fell over and landed on top of the footman, whose one visible arm tensed, before falling limp.

'Onwards!' cried Arthas.

Thus they charged into another village and slaughtered a whole lot of undead. There were hundreds of them, and they turned the walking corpses into… regular corpses. Finally when they had slain them all the forces of Lordaeron pressed onwards to the south and made their way into a village.

There they met a group of priests of the light. 'Greetings, we are priests of Quel'thalas.' said one. 'We've come to help heal the land of this evil blight.'

'As always,' said Jaina 'the generosity of the elves is greatly appreciated.'

There was a long awkward silence. 'Was that supposed to be sarcastic?' asked the Priest.

'No,' said Jaina 'I was reflecting what a big help your people have been to the Alliance.'

'We haven't done shit!' said the Priest 'We refused to involve ourselves in the second war until the orcs were literally on our doorstep! And once they were we basically just took your resources, then left your people to rot as soon as you'd outlived your usefulness.

Face it lady, my species are a bunch of pricks. The extent of our racial accomplishments is providing the shallow as all hell love interests for Turylyon and fucking Rhonin.'

'Wow um… that is kind of pathetic now that you mention it.' reflected Jaina.

'Can we please keep moving,' said Arthas 'I'm pretty sure an entire village could have been burned to the ground while we were talking here.'

'You should know that there is a granary warehouse north of here.' said the Priest 'This evil blight may be evident there as well.'

'…If you know there is a warehouse there, how can you not know whether the blight is there?' asked Arthas 'You literally would have had to walk past the place to get here.'

'Damn it man, I'm an elf, not a responsible citizen.' said the Priest 'When I see a group of evil necromancers casting unholy spells, my reaction is to stick my head so far up my own ass that no light can reach me.'

'Good point.' said Arthas.

They pressed on until they came to a cliffside where they saw a mortar team launching shells at skeletons who were in plain sight and totally obvious. 'Wow,' said Arthas 'you men are shooting at skeletons who are everywhere in that village.'

'We're blasting those damn skeletons!' said the dwarf 'This whole flaming village is crawling with them!'

'Yes, I just said that.' said Arthas 'Also I've got a warehouse to destroy at the end of town. Charge!'

One mass slaughter later the group marched forward and came across-

'Kel'thuzad!' cried Jaina 'So it was you all along!'

'Yes!' said Kel'thuzad 'I shot Tim the Baker!' There was a long pause. 'Oh, um… sorry, wrong homicide. We've been discovered my brothers, flee and-'

'Oh no…' said Arthas in dawning horror.

'What?' said Jaina.

'I just realized that we forgot to find the fountain of health!' said Arthas.

'So what?' said Falric 'We've got priests to heal us, its not like its all that valuable.'

'Um… hello?' said Kel'thuzad. 'I'm trying to make a speech here.'

'That's not the point Falric!' said Arthas 'Okay new plan! We're going to head back, take back the fountain of health, then come back here and fight Kel'thuzad!'

'It took us like three days to get here!' said Falric.

'Then we'd best start now!'

And they raced off.

'Okay, so you have um… something better to do.' said Kel'thuzad 'I guess we'll just uh, wait here then.'

* * *

Three days later Arthas arrived at the fountain of health and slaughter a bunch of skeletons. 'This must be the shrine that the old man spoke of,' said Arthas 'any man who drinks from these waters will be healed.'

'He looked at most middle aged.' said Falric.

'No time, we've got to get back to Kel'thuzad.'

* * *

Finally they arrayed themselves once more before Kel'thuzad appeared again. 'I have been waiting here for six days.' he said 'You have any other unfinished business you want to interrupt me for?'

'No, I'm done.' said Arthas.

'Are you sure?' asked Kel'thuzad 'Maybe you could go hunt down that tribe of ogres which attacked Jaina?'

There was a long silence.

'Fuck.' said Kel'thuzad.

* * *

Another nine days and an ethnic cleansing later they were standing in front of Kel'thuzad who was currently reading War and Peace. Finally he arose, cleared his throat and spoke. 'We've been discovered my brothers- oh to hell with it! Just fall on each other like wolves for my amusement!' Summoning a bunch of ghouls, he called forth an abomination a shambling creature sewn together from different corpses.

'That creature looks like it was sewn together from different corpses.' said Jaina.

What she said.

'Lets study it after we kill it.' said Arthas.

Then they killed it. And a lot of other things while they were at it. Later as Jaina and Arthas stood over the bodies of their enemies, they conversed. 'What was that?' asked Arthas 'And what was Kel'thuzad doing here?'

'I believe that Kel'thuzad is the secret main villain of the game.' said Jaina 'Obviously he and his lackeys are the ones who shot Tim the Baker. And possibly engineered the plague, killing thousands, but more importantly shot Tim the Baker.'

'If by 'secret' you mean blatantly obvious then you may be on to something.' said Arthas dryly. 'As for Tim the Baker, I can only speculate as to the terrible motivations and events which led to that tragic event. Whatever the case, its a good bet that we'll find Kel'thuzad and the answers we're looking for, in Anderhol.'

* * *

The orcish horde were sailing west to the ancient lands of Kalimdor where their true destiny would unfold. There was only one, tiny, insignificant problem. They had absolutely no idea how to sail a ship. As a result they were heading straight into a vortex of terrible power.

'Hey look, the Maelstrom!' cried Thrall.

'Hey look,' said the Pilot 'no hands!'

Then the orcish vessels entered the maelstrom and sank. Everyone inside them drowned, and that was the end of the orcish horde. In a very killed off for real, and lore binding sense.

'Well… shit.' said the Prophet.

* * *

 **Authors Note:**

Man, this chapter took awhile to write. For the longest time I was drawing a complete blank as to what to do for a joke after Jaina gets beaten up by the ogres. I hope you found this version enjoyable, hopefully next update will be far better.


	4. Episode 4

**Chapter Four: The Cult of the Damned**

Arthas and Jaina made their way through the trees into Anderhol. Around them the shadows were growing longer, though it was still midday. Signs of blight could be seen here or there. Then, as they rounded a bend in the path, they saw a goldmine and around it were many cultists. They spoke unholy incantations and ritual markings could be seen around it. Tendrils were reaching up over the mine.

'Look, it's those cultists who were with the necromancer.' said Jaina 'What are they doing to that mine?'

'Let's not wait to find out,' said Arthas 'attack.'

'Maybe we should wait and see what they're up to.' said Jaina.

'Have you ever played call of Cthulu Jaina?' asked Arthas 'The only way you can stop an invasion of Old Ones is to kill the cultists before they can summon their god.' Then he hefted his hammer.

'Yes! It is happening!' cried the leader 'Soon the barrier between the worlds will be broken and a new golden age of happiness and puppies will come to humanity! From now on every day will be like Christmas and problems like hunger and death will be but an unpleasant memory- AH! OH GOD, THE PAIN! THE BASHING HORRIBLE PAIN OF BEING HIT WITH A GiANT HAMMER! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!'

The other cultists watched as Arthas beat their leader down. 'Huh, I guess they don't want a future of puppies and kittens.'

'Let's go with the demonic invasion thing.' said another.

'Okay.'

And they walked off. Arthas looked up from the brutalized corpse of his enemy to Jaina. 'Let's build our base camp here. What with those cultists creeping around, I'd rather not head in there without back up.'

'I couldn't agree more.' said Jaina.

And with that, a bunch of peasants came out of nowhere and began laying the foundations for a castle a barracks, and several other structures. Trees were felled and hours passed as stones were set into place. Falric came up to Arthas.

'…So is this going to help sir?' Falric asked.

'Yes, building a castle and barracks will allow us to produce peasants and footmen.' said Arthas 'We need our various buildings to rally our armies.'

'Yet surely we could simply call in reinforcements?' said Falric.

'Yeah, we call for reinforcements by building a building.' said Arthas 'Then we produce our reinforcements from the building.'

'But… but surely the soldiers just sleep in the barracks.' said Falric 'They aren't actually born and bred within it.'

'Of course not.' said Arthas 'We just clone them.'

'Oh.' said Falric 'That… uh, raises all kinds of ethical questions.'

'We've committed mass genocide five times this week and you are complaining about us using clone soldiers to die in droves?' noted Arthas.

'Be that as it may, maybe we don't have time to construct a castle, a barracks and a full on mining operation, and multiple heavy towers before taking out Kel'thuzad.' said Falric 'Time is sort of the essence.'

'Oh come on, Falric.' laughed Arthas 'What's the worst that could happen?'

Three years later after their fortifications were complete and they succeeded in destroying an undead bastion which was erected at the same time, they reached a destroyed city. Falric came back with some predictable news.

'Yeah, all the plagued shipments of grain have already been sent out.' said Falric.

'No! This is terrible! If only we'd had more time!' said Jaina.

'Yeah, if only the Prince hadn't had us construct a full-blown city over the course of years!' snapped Falric 'What did you think was going to happen?!'

It was at this point that Kel'thuzad got back. He was dressed in a flowery shirt and shorts and holding a surfboard. Blinking, he quickly ran behind a building and emerged in his full necromancer garb. 'Hello again children, I am Kel'thuzad.' he said 'And I've come to deliver a warning, leave well enough alone. Your curiosity will be the death of you.'

'Well you heard the nice high traitor Arthas!' said Jaina 'Let's go home and get married!'

'Hold on a second Jaina.' said Arthas 'So Kel'thuzad you're saying that if we leave right now, you'll stop killing people?'

'No, I'll probably just keep doing it.' said Kel'thuzad 'And eventually kill you once I've killed everyone else.'

'Then I don't see how leaving well enough alone is going to help.' said Arthas.

'Well, you could always hide under a bed and pretend as though it isn't happening.' suggested Kel'thuzad.

'…Not really convinced.' said Arthas.

'Damn that usually works.' mused Kel'thuzad, before mulling things over.

'Usually?' asked Arthas 'Against who?'

'Against the grain inspectors, and the knights who were supposed to stop us from killing people.' said Kel'thuzad 'Not against Uther though.'

'Well thank goodness for that.' muttered Arthas.

'I just told him it would be bad PR to interfere with free trade.' said Kel'thuzad.

'We're a medieval society!' snapped Arthas 'We don't have free trade! We still act on a tariff system for god's sake!'

'Well perhaps you should go and tell Uther that right now.' said Kel'thuzad.

'I will, and-' Arthas laughed 'Oho, almost got me there!'

'Well, it was worth a try.' mused Kel'thuzad.

'So who are you working for anyway?' asked Arthas.

'Oh, um Mal'ganis.' said Kel'thuzad 'Sort of a Dreadlord, demon thing.'

'And uh… what is your motive?' asked Arthas.

'We believe that everyone in Azeroth is a complete moron and that they all need to die for the sake of everyone else.' said Kel'thuzad 'Which is why we're going to kill everyone.]'

'That's not very nice.' said Jaina 'People don't like to be killed.'

'Also kind of an overreaction.' mused Arthas.

'You obviously haven't lived on Azeroth very long.' shot back Kel'thuzad.

'Well whether I have or not, you're under arrest.' said Arthas, raising his hammer.

'Ah, but if you mean to arrest me,' said Kel'thuzad 'you'll have to catch me first!'

And he raced off.

'Get him!' said Arthas.

They raced after Kel'thuzad into a dark forest and finally into a dark castle that loomed over the landscape with an unholy leer. Suddenly Kel'thuzad halted in front of a hall leading into many different doors, all of which looked the same. The necromancer motioned with his staff.

'Quick my minions!' he cried 'Into that room!'

And they raced in moments before Arthas could get to him. Arthas looked to Jaina with narrowed eyes. 'Jaina, start the Benny Hills theme.'

Then they chased after them.

Shortly thereafter Kel'thuzad came out of one of the doors, racing across the hall into another with Arthas not far behind. He made the door and came out of another with Jaina chasing him. Then another with Falric chasing him.

Then Arthas, Jaina, and Falric ran out of one of the doors pursued by an army of abominations with Kel'thuzad trailing behind them. Then as Arthas went through one of the doors he came out the one behind Kel'thuzad and grabbed.

'Aha! We've got him!' said Falric.

Then the real Kel'thuzad walked out of another door laughing. 'Aha! You fool! That's only a regular Necromancer named Ted wearing green!'

'Damn,' said Arthas 'after him!'

They went after him. There were a series of similshenanigansans before at last Kel'thuzad was surrounded on all sides.

'Gotcha!' said Arthas 'Now you will pay for you-'

It was at this moment that a parade of doomguards high kicked their way through one door into another, wearing tutus. Arthas stared as it passed and said the only thing that came to mind. 'WHAT?!'

'Sir, Kel'thuzad escaped again.' said Falric.

'Damn it!' said Arthas.

'We can't catch him! He's too fast!' said Jaina.

'Hold on, I've got an idea!' said Arthas, before spinning his hammer. Wind whipped around him in a tornado as golden light appeared around his hammer. Kel'thuzad came out of one of the doors as triumphant music played.

'What is this-' began Kel'thuzad.

'WIND SCAR!' said Arthas, before unleashing a swordbeam that destroyed the whole set and slashed Kel'thuzad across the chest.

'What?' said Falric.

'I ret conned the lore so that I have the power to cast Wind Scar from Inuyasha.' said Falric 'Don't worry, we'll never mention it again after this point.'

'Wow, I sure am glad we live in a universe where the fabric of reality and history itself can be rewritten on a whim simply to facilitate lazy storytelling.' said Jaina.

'I know right!' said Arthas.

'Naive… fool…' said Kel'thuzad 'my death will make little difference in the long run. For now, the scourging of this land… begins…'

'How ominous.' said Arthas 'He is dead, yet I fear the echoes of his atrocities shall-'

'Let's go to Harthglen and get married! WHEE!' said Jaina, before grabbing his hand and dragging him into the sunset. 'Lalalalalalalala!'

'God damn it.' said Arthas.

* * *

 **Authors Note:**

Sorry this chapter took so long to come out. I had no idea how to fill the space. Ultimately I ended up having a much shorter chapter than usual and that was with filler. I included the Benny Hills thing because this one was turning out too short.

Also it really seems like Falric took up the role of only sane man in this chapter.


End file.
